“We are breaking up.”
Neither you nor your partner wanted to arrive at this juncture. But here you are, about to put a nail in the coffin.
You both know sticking it out will only worsen your relationship. But a breakup isn’t any better. It hurts to see the end, so how can you go about it in a less painful manner? How do you move on afterwards?
The following sections should answer these questions.
Men or Women: Who Hurts More After a Breakup? Who Moves on Faster?
Separation hurts both parties. But who will face more difficulties, and who gets over a breakup faster?
Stereotypes say that women take relationships more seriously than men, so they’re likely to take breakups harder. But a Lancaster University study on online relationship support revealed otherwise.
Men tend to discuss heartbreak more than women. Meanwhile, women are traditionally more likely to identify relationship problems and seek help, such as therapy.
The point? Both genders feel the post-breakup pain equally. But they handle it differently, which affects their speed in moving on.
Marriage and family therapist Dr. Paul Hokemeyer says, “Men go in, and women go out.”
Men try to rationalize the pain away. Meanwhile, women talk to their support system to try to recalibrate the pain emotionally.
Because of this, men tend to recover from heartbreak slowly. But setting aside the social stigmas against them seeking help and sharing their emotions, they’re just as invested in working through this rough chapter in their lives.
How Do Breakups Affect Mental Health and Recovery?
A breakup doesn’t just cut off a romantic connection. It shakes your life’s stability, from your routines to your needs, and takes a part of your identity. All this triggers the following emotions that cause a blow to your mental health and recovery.
Sadness
A breakup is akin to a rejection. This causes sadness, and the longer it lingers, depression may develop. People with a history of mental health struggles are especially at risk.
Anxiety
This is especially applicable if you’re on the receiving end. You overthink what went wrong in your relationship. Your fear of being alone reawakens, and you doubt whether you can find love again.
Grief
A breakup is a form of loss. You mourn the person, the time and energy you invested into the relationship, and the shared future you could’ve had.
Loneliness
When a relationship ends, loneliness creeps in, making you feel like you have no one. The feeling is worse if you’ve given too much of yourself to your partner and have disconnected from others.
Anger
You might feel the breakup is unfair and uncalled for, and you can’t help but get mad. This anger can turn into bitterness if you’re unable to let it go.
What Should You Do Immediately After Saying, “We Are Breaking Up?”
A breakup negatively affects you in more ways than one. And with that, you should pull the plug in the kindest way possible. Here are several ways to do this:
#1: Break the news in person.
It’s cruel to break up via text. Instead, talk to each other privately and face-to-face. It’s uncomfortable, yes. But it shows you value your relationship and respect your soon-to-be ex.
#2: Say your piece without going in circles.
Communicate your thoughts and feelings straight up. Any delaying tactic will just make things more confusing and frustrating. It won’t do the other person any favors, either. Be as honest as possible, since they’ll likely have questions.
#3: Don’t play the blame game.
Friendly reminder: your relationship didn’t work, but that’s not exactly an indictment on the other person. Instead of criticism, your point should focus on your feelings and needs.
#4: Give the other person space to talk.
Don’t be surprised if they have an emotional reaction to this decision. Listen to what they have to say without interrupting them.
#5: Stick to your guns.
Don’t be swayed by any emotional appeal. As much as it hurts, you have a reason for calling it quits. Trust in that and walk away.
When Is It Time to Move on from a Breakup?
No one knows exactly when it’s time to move on from a breakup. Some may give out specific numbers, but they’re all subjective.
The healing process isn’t linear, and sometimes it’s tempting to fight for your relationship. Although there isn’t a clear timeline, these signs hint that it’s time to start the recovery process.
#1: Nothing has ever changed in your relationship.
You’ve been through heartbreak. You both wanted to stay together and promised to do better. But nothing ever permanently changed. You fall back into the same issues. At this point, it’s time to move on. Why bother getting stuck in the cycle again?
#2: You don’t want a reunion.
Missing your ex is normal. You’ve gotten used to their company; singlehood feels like an out-of-body experience.
But you know it’s time to move on when you can’t deny that your relationship has run its course. Despite the pain, you’re sure a comeback is out of the question.
#3: You want to meet new people.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea. The waters can feel intimidating due to the variety of options, but you want to welcome them anyway. You want to explore the dating scene and see new faces.
How to Cope with Breaking Up with Someone You Love
Ending a relationship is never easy. Once you get over that hurdle, another one comes along—the aftermath. How do you deal with it?
Some resort to vices as their coping mechanisms. But we recommend you avoid them. Instead, here are healthier ways to move on:
#1: Mourn your loss.
Allow yourself to grieve. Repressing your feelings will only prolong your suffering from your emotional baggage.
#2: Reframe pessimistic thoughts.
You’re not the villain, and it’s nobody’s fault that your relationship is over. Change those negative thoughts into realistic ones by seeing the breakup as it is. This shift will help you adopt a growth mindset.
#3: Establish boundaries.
Now that you have space, do what you can to protect it. Feel free to cut off contact with your ex. Silence is powerful after a breakup. It helps you maintain self-respect, erases curiosity in your ex, and brings you peace of mind. If work and shared responsibilities are holding you back, at least limit your interactions.
#4: Indulge in self-care.
Engage in hobbies you once enjoyed. Look for new activities to satisfy your curiosity. Keep yourself occupied with things that fulfill you. You need all the joy you can get in this sad time.
#5: Let your people in.
You don’t have to isolate and shut people out. Your loved ones want you to heal just as much as you do. Their empathy may not answer questions, but it eases your loneliness.
#6: Consider professional guidance.
If your post-breakup struggle is too much to handle, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or therapist. They won’t judge you because their assistance comes with a safe and supportive space.
Can You Mend a Broken Heart? The Answer Is Yes
“We are breaking up.”
These words can make you feel like it’s impossible to bounce back from the heartbreak. But it's possible. The recovery may be long, but you can move on, provided you take healthy steps.
There’s no guarantee that dating will be the same as it once was. Heartbreak will make you more cautious about taking risks. But that’s where we come in to help.
At AFA Bangkok, we understand how it feels to lose someone you love. With that, we can help you jump back into the dating scene with a wiser heart and mind.
Give love a second chance with us. Sign up now to create positive romantic experiences.
References:
Lancaster University. 2021. “Men Experience More Emotional Pain During Breakups.” ScienceDaily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/11/211101094832.htm.
Finlay, Leslie. 2023. “Who Moves on From a Relationship Faster? A Psychologist Shares the Data.” The Healthy @Reader's Digest. https://www.thehealthy.com/family/relationships/which-sex-moves-on-from-a-relationship-faster/.